When you step foot inside the magic hydraulic door, you have entered into a land of unwritten, but very apparent, rules and expectations.
If you find yourself in violation, you will know it. Passive aggressive gasps and eye rolls will be launched in your direction and you'll see the faces of normally amiable soccer moms and cubicle-dwelling fathers take on menacing expressions.
I've been spending at least an hour a day in this other-worldly place for about the past 8 years and thought it was high-time I did a public service by peeling back the bus roof so you can peek in.
Print out this guidance and have it with you the first time you find yourself in need of public transport.
THE TOP 10 WAYS to RISK YOUR LIFE on a SUBURBAN BUS*
Spoken in the tone of everyone on the bus. No one in particular.
Once you're on the bus, you're part of the collective. There is no individual voice.
Once you're on the bus, you're part of the collective. There is no individual voice.
1. Pay Cash. Only newbies pay cash (for a maximum of 3 business days). All others have pre-paid cards that get scanned on the way in. Want lazer beams to come through the back of your head? Make a line of 10+ people wait in below-zero temps while you fumble around with your crumpled dollar bills. Jerk.
2. Talk. We're ants on our way to the ant farm that is downtown Minneapolis. Unless we've been working together, or riding the bus together for more than a year, let's keep the chit-chat to a minimum. Thanks much.
3. Sit on My Lap. The bus designer made the seats narrow. I know it sucks, but try to keep your cheeks in the designated area. If you do accidentally sit on me (who hasn't, right?), please acknowledge the mistake and scootch back over. Even if it means you've got a cheek hangin' off into the aisle. Your Ben & Jerry's obsession ain't my problem.
3a. Sit Next to Someone When There Are Completely Open Rows Available. That's just creepy. If there are 7 urinals on the wall and one guy is peein', you don't saddle up next to 'im, do you? Same rules apply here - only double-up when you have to. Perv.
4. Bring Your Luggage. We all know you work hard. Try leaving at least a PORTION of your office at work tonight, OK? Three-bag Wednesday isn't a tradition where the rest of us are from and we don't have enough room for all of your crap.
5. Take That Call from Your College Buddy. Save your energetic reunion for the park-n-ride parking lot, k? If we don't want you to talk to us, we don't want you to talk to them either. I'm playing Candy Crush over here and you're messing up my mojo.
6. Speaking of Candy Crush. Try turning your sound off, moron. This ain't your living room and we're all sick of the sound effects.
7. Try a Breathe Right Strip, Sleepy Head. It was a long night, you're tired and maybe a little hung over. We've all got our issues. But seriously, if you can't stay awake for a 35-minute bus ride, try a cup o' joe on the way out the door tomorrow. Or at least let us know we can smack you if you start snoring.
8. Cough & Sniff. Alot. "Our favorite thing ever is sitting in a petri dish with you and your germs", said nobody. Take a sick day or drive next time, k? Feel better.
9. Just TRY to Protect the Seat Next to You. We all know it's comfier without someone sitting hip-to-hip. Leaving your crap on the spot next to you so we can't sit down is not an appropriate solution. It's legal to violate rule 3a if you're selfish enough to try to "protect" the space around you on a public bus. Get over yourself.
10. Get off the Bus in the Wrong Order. It's simple. Folks that had to stand all the way home get off first. People in the front handicapped spots get off second. The rest of the bus gets off, in order, row-by-row from front-to-back (think Wedding or Funeral). If you sat your arse in the last row, that's your fault. Be patient or risk having Gramma Betty slash your tires tomorrow morning.
*Note: a City Bus has its own set of rules. I don't pretend to understand them. I'm a suburbanite through-and-through.
Once you silently acknowledge the rules by following them for at least 6 months without a violation, you'll earn the right to talk about your kids' soccer games with folks that look familiar (but only right at the beginning and the end of the ride - see rule 2).
Feel free to pass these tips along to your friends and family. (and enjoy your commute)
pba.
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